I'm trying not to be insecure. And I'm trying to hide my feelings.

But I can't help it!

I reactivated my Xanga blog a couple of weeks ago but not really in the mood to use it again like back in the HSC days.
During the last week, I did work experience at Pacific magazines where I helped the Marketing assistant and Marketing executives in various petty jobs. By the end of my second day, the marketing assistant told me that the petty stuff that I did over the last few days were what she usually did when there's no one else to help. That made me reflect alot about what I did. At the same time I was also frustrated and confused about my choices. It's a possible path to a never ending list of bad choices that I made in my lifetime. Somehow, I don't feel like I followed my dream at all. In fact I know I didn't. Sometimes, I look back and think of my childhood as a miserable waste when I could have done something that may expand my skills and assist me in a direction. Something like music classes (piano, violin, flute, guitar). Extend my writing skills, do poetry, write a few articles for random stuff. Perhaps do arts and crafts or design, expand on my drama skills and/or do amatuer film making or maybe have the courage to do public speaking and get more involved instead of relying on volunteering for crap.

Looking at some of the people I know, they claim that they've done nothing but looking at what they did, it is still a better purpose than mine. In fact they have done so much more that I would kill to do if I can go back in time. Maybe even try out again for that crappy junior school choir.
I don't know why I'm sympathetic to the people in Arts degrees. I find what they do as a fascinating source. Philosophy, creative writing, linguistics, languages, poetry, history.
Why didn't I choose Modern history back in the HSC and risked by doing Chemistry? Anyway, their discussions and musings of the randomness of anything is intriguing and hooks me in to a greater length than any of the Business major I'm doing right now. Especially Accounting and Finance.
Fuck guaranteed employment. I would rather do something that I might be able to discuss more than sitting down and staring at numbers all day long till your eyes turn bright purple.

I wish I was an Arts Student, or with higher marks, an Arts/Business or Arts/Law student...too bad UTS doesn't offer Arts/Business. Just Arts in International Studies/Business...maybe I will do Languages for my sub major after all.
Finally one thing I've noticed is that alot of people I know often confuse me as an Inner Westie then a South Westie. I don't know why but I like that compliment.
Anyway to my friends who might read this, you have not wasted your life, you have done so much that is inspiring to alot of people out there who have a clearly undefined direction in life. I just wish I could say the same for myself.

oooooh oooooh woah i miss you

that rolling stones song is catchy as fuck.
Oooh oooh oooh oooh oooh oooh oooh

dear dude


i love you. i miss you. i know it's been nearly a week.


i know we only met twice and been keeping in touch through facebook and msn messenger but dammit i can't stop thinking about you. and DAMN you get so much connections. going out to parties, dance like a freak, get drunk and stoned. the epitone of such a lifestyle


seeing several of my uni friends going around pashing anything that moves is giving me slutty vibes too. all the time to be fucking honest. in contrast to the high school friends. some are ok but most of them aren't doing alot really. damn i miss those guys. not as much as i miss you of course.


in a way i also feel sorry for you. that girls just play around with your emotion.
when we do it, i won't throw you out. we'll cuddle, hug and kiss all night long ok?


everytime we talk i just want to say "let's fuck". i bet you are good at it. it'll probably be an amazing and sensual experience.


sometimes i just wish life is easy and breezy without any troubles or horrifying consequences.


kthxbye

annie